“He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle.” - William Shakespeare
David Hawkins, a late American psychiatrist, spiritual teacher and author of many books on consciousness and spirituality, talked a lot about this pride. In his famous “map of consciousness,” an ascending logarithmic scale that measures a variety of emotions and states of being that goes from 0 to 1000, Hawkins calibrated pride from 175 to 199 (where 200 represents a threshold between “negative” and “positive” states), right above fear, anger and guilt, but below courage, acceptance, and love. He used to say that pride is based on vanity and moralistic indignation.
However, many people view pride as a positive emotion. We often see it as a potent force that may lead us toward great triumphs and accomplishments in life. In reality, it is a complex emotion that has both beneficial and harmful aspects. We will refer to these aspects as healthy, authentic pride, and unhealthy, hubristic pride.
Two Aspects of Pride
Healthy pride is a feeling of satisfaction and confidence in our abilities and achievements. It motivates us to pursue our goals and improve ourselves. Healthy pride is a source of joy, strength, and resilience. It enables us to celebrate our accomplishments without arrogance or envy. It empowers us to grow without fear or shame, limits or constraints.
It is a complex emotion that has both beneficial and harmful aspects.
Unhealthy pride, on the other hand, is a feeling of arrogance and superiority over others. It makes us defensive, insecure, and intolerant of criticism. It can also lead to various psychological and physical problems such as stress, anxiety, depression, anger, isolation, and addiction.
Unhealthy pride is often rooted in our core ego structures, which are the beliefs and assumptions we have about ourselves and the world. These ego structures are formed in early childhood through our interactions with our caregivers and environment. They shape our sense of identity, self-worth, and belonging. Some common ego structures that can foster unhealthy pride are:
I am only valuable if I am perfect or successful. I am better than others because of my wealth, looks, intelligence, etc. I need to prove myself to others by being right or dominant. I cannot admit my mistakes or weaknesses because they make me vulnerable. I cannot accept feedback or criticism because they threaten my self-image.
These ego structures are often reinforced by our culture and society that promote competition, comparison, and achievement as measures of worthiness. They also create a false sense of security that depends on external factors rather than internal ones.
Unhealthy pride can also be related to shame and guilt, which are painful emotions that arise when we feel that we have violated our moral standards or expectations. Shame makes us feel unworthy of love and respect; guilt makes us feel responsible for harming others or ourselves. Both shame and guilt can trigger unhealthy pride as a way of coping with these negative feelings. For example:
We may deny or rationalize our wrongdoings instead of taking responsibility for them; We may blame others for our problems instead of looking within ourselves; We may seek validation from others instead of cultivating self-compassion; We may avoid intimacy or vulnerability instead of seeking connection.
So how can we overcome unhealthy pride? Here are some steps that can help us transform this harmful emotion into a healthy one:
Recognize your unhealthy pride: The first step is to become aware of your unhealthy pride patterns and how they affect you and others. You can do this by observing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors when you encounter situations that trigger your pride1. For example:
Do you feel threatened or offended when someone disagrees with you? Do you find it hard to apologize or ask for help when you need it? Do you judge others harshly based on their appearance, status, or opinions? Do you hide your flaws or failures from others?
Challenge your ego structures: The second step is to question your ego structures that support your unhealthy pride. You can do this by examining the evidence for their validity, accuracy, and usefulness. For example:
Is it true that you are only valuable if you are perfect or successful? Is it helpful to compare yourself with others based on superficial criteria? Is it realistic to expect yourself or others to be always right or dominant? Is it beneficial to avoid feedback or criticism that could help you grow?
Replace them with healthier ones: The third step is to replace your ego structures with healthier ones that foster healthy pride. You can do this by adopting new beliefs and assumptions that reflect your true worth, potential, and uniqueness. For example:
You are valuable regardless of your achievements or failures. You are equal to others regardless of your differences. You can learn from others without losing your identity. You can accept feedback or criticism without losing your confidence.
Practice gratitude: The fourth step is to practice gratitude for yourself, others, and life1. Gratitude is a powerful antidote to unhealthy pride because it helps us appreciate what we have rather than what we lack; what we share rather than what we compete for; what we give rather than what we take. You can practice gratitude by expressing thanks verbally, in writing, or mentally; by keeping a gratitude journal; by performing acts of kindness; by celebrating small wins; by savoring positive experiences.
Seek connection: The fifth step is to seek connection with yourself, others, and a higher power. Connection is a vital need for human beings that can heal our wounds and fill our emptiness. It can also help us overcome unhealthy pride by reminding us that we are not alone, that we belong, and that we have a purpose. You can seek connection by:
Practicing self-care and self-love; Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals; Joining a community or group that shares your values; Exploring your spirituality or faith.
Emotional Awareness
One of the main obstacles to overcoming unhealthy pride is the lack of emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is the ability to recognize, understand, and accept our emotions as they arise. It is also the ability to express them appropriately and constructively.[1]
[1] While emotional awareness is a fundamental component of emotional intelligence, emotional intelligence refers to a broader set of skills that involve not only awareness of our own emotions but also the ability to understand and manage other people's emotions. It includes skills such as empathy, social skills, and emotional regulation, which allow us to navigate social situations and relationships effectively.
Emotional awareness is the ability to recognize, understand, and accept our emotions as they arise. It is also the ability to express them appropriately and constructively.
Many people who suffer from unhealthy pride have a distorted or suppressed relationship with their emotions. They may deny, ignore, or avoid their emotions because they perceive them as weak, threatening, or shameful. They may also project their emotions onto others or blame them for their problems. This can lead to emotional imbalance, distress, and disconnection.
Emotional awareness can help us overcome unhealthy pride by:
Increasing our self-knowledge and self-esteem: By becoming more aware of our emotions, we can learn more about ourselves and our needs. We can also appreciate our strengths and weaknesses without exaggerating or minimizing them. Enhancing our relationships and communication: By becoming more aware of our emotions, we can improve our empathy and understanding of others. We can also communicate more effectively and respectfully without being defensive or aggressive. Managing our stress and coping with challenges: By becoming more aware of our emotions, we can regulate them better and prevent them from taking over us. We can also deal with difficulties and conflicts more constructively and creatively.
One of the most effective ways to develop emotional awareness is through mindfulness. Mindfulness is a state of conscious presence in the present moment, with openness, curiosity, and non-judgment. Mindfulness allows us to observe our emotions without being overwhelmed by them or identifying with them. It also enables us to respond rather than react to our emotions.
Many mindfulness techniques can help us cultivate emotional awareness. Some of them are:
Body scan: This involves paying attention to the sensations in different parts of our body, especially where we feel our emotions most strongly. Breath awareness: This involves focusing on our breathing as a way of anchoring ourselves in the present moment and calming our nervous system. Labeling: This involves naming or describing our emotions as they arise without judging or analyzing them., Inquiry: This involves asking ourselves questions such as “What am I feeling right now?”, “Why am I feeling this way?”, “What do I need right now?”, “What can I do about it?” Loving-kindness: This involves sending positive wishes of happiness, peace, and well-being to ourselves and others.
Conclusion
Pride is a double-edged sword. It can be a potent motivator, or it can lead to our downfall. While healthy pride can uplift us and give us a sense of purpose, unhealthy pride can make us blind to our flaws and defensive against criticism.
Pride is a double-edged sword. It can be a potent motivator, or it can lead to our downfall.
However, overcoming unhealthy pride is possible. We can transform it with emotional awareness and mindful practices. By confronting our ego structures, embracing gratitude, seeking connection, and developing our emotional intelligence through mindfulness, we can unlock the true potential of healthy pride and lead a more fulfilling, compassionate, and joyful life. Remember, authentic pride doesn't come from a sense of superiority but from a sense of purpose and contribution to the world.
Add a comment