How many times have you heard: life is so hard; people are selfish; trust no one; it’s his (her) fault…? Very often, for sure. It’s the victim mentality in action. For some people, there is always someone or something to blame.
Almost all of us carry within the victim mentality, regardless of gender, profession, age (except for small children), or any other determinant. Taking the form of victim identity and behavior, this mentality very often surfaces in everyday life from the depths of our subconscious minds, bringing us numerous troubles or reinforcing the already existing ones.
The victim identity is detrimental to our mental and physical health. However, like every other part of our being, it plays an important role in our maturing and spiritual development.
Identifying the Victim Identity
Perhaps the most difficult part of the process of getting rid of this identity is recognizing it first. How does it manifest? How can we immediately recognize the appearance of the victim identity in everyday life? Here are the most important indicators:
Blaming other people. Whenever a complaint, gossip, or moan is related to blaming someone, even if it seems completely justified - it is a manifestation of the victim mentality. In that way, the person unconsciously tries to get attention, compassion, support, and validation that someone treated them unfairly, rudely, harshly... Blaming others is always a sign of the victim identity.
Blaming oneself. Often a person in the victim identity does not blame other people, but herself instead. An emotion of guilt for deeds she apparently did or did not commit overwhelms her completely. She is in a state of self-pity in its extreme form.
She intensely complains about it to other people (although sometimes she keeps everything to herself). Such complaints are also very dangerous for a person's mental stability and overall health. Blaming the circumstances. Many people also frequently complain about life difficulties that have befallen them.
In this case, the person does not put blame on himself or other people. He instead blames the circumstances and hardships in his life. However, it is still a form of the victim identity, where the “victim” consciously or unconsciously blames life, God, the universe, society, unfortunate events, etc.
Therefore, the core attribute of victim identity is blaming.
The “victim” typically says to himself or others:
I can't. Life is hard. Life is a struggle. I am always a victim. I always have problems. People are selfish. You can't trust people. Others are better than me. Beware of deception; it's everywhere. Everyone is always picking on me. You don't understand how hard it is for me.
The core attribute of victim identity is blaming.
Subconscious Causes of the Victim Mentality
So, the person with a strong victim mentality often talks about their difficulties and blames other people for causing all their problems. In that way, they are trying to gain the sympathy of others for injustice and suffering in their life. This behavior seemingly eases their pain. They often lament that life is difficult and unfair, that people are evil, selfish, and that no one should be trusted.
The person uses these claims to justify his or her behavior. Sometimes the “victim” can also state that in this way they are able to more easily recognize malevolent people and to better prepare for adversities in the future, to protect themselves on time. Of course, that is also the wrong way to find a justification for the obvious psychological problems that plague them.
Accordingly, a person who is in the victim identity seemingly gets:
Compassion from others; Comfort and alleviating their suffering; Easier recognition of the “similar dangers” to protect themselves in the future; Avoiding possible punishments through the habit of shifting responsibility for all possible mistakes from themself to others.
Notice that I used the word seemingly here. What a person wants to gain by entering into the victim identity is temporary at best, and completely false at worst.
Usually, the victim mentality is implanted in a person during early childhood. A small child is like a sponge - they absorb everything from their parents, siblings, friends, grandparents, teachers, and other authorities. All their beliefs, identities, attitudes, patterns of behavior - all this easily become part of the child's mental structure, remains deeply ingrained in him/her, and continues to act from an unconscious level throughout life.
Consequences on Everyday Life
Sometimes very traumatic or significant events in adolescence or adulthood can have a strong impact on a person's future life and behavior patterns. For example, if someone experiences a hurtful divorce, it can create in her or him the belief that members of the opposite sex cannot be trusted, that they are “all the same,” etc. In this way, the person will put themself in a victimized position and thus greatly complicate all their subsequent love relationships.
What the person in the identity of the victim really loses is the following:
The power to control their life, to direct it as they wish; Responsibility for their own life which brings innate strength and power; Innocence, openness, and purity of their own heart; Love for other people but also for themselves; Strength and capacity to forgive and thus heal their own wounds; Intrinsic invulnerability of their aura and energy body; Peace and serenity of their mind.
On a subtle level, a person in the victim identity becomes susceptible to the influences of various negative energies, including even foreign and malicious entities that can cling to their energy body or aura, exhaust them and instigate aggression and other negative events in life.
How to Overcome Victim Identity?
Do we really want to lose such important, immeasurable blessings, and in return gain only “crumbs” on the table of life in the form of temporary consolation or false compassion from others?
Of course, I too have been dwelling in the victim identity from time to time. I used to blame various people and circumstances - parents, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, work, school, social system, people's mentality, “pulling the connections,” injustice, life, even God... Like any other person which sometimes resides in that identity, I too was gaining a sense of temporary comfort, a false intimacy with others, a deceitful sense of avoided responsibility… On the other hand, I would always lose some of my precious peace of mind, further closing my heart, and unconsciously giving up my inherent power and control over life.
Forgiveness leads to immense relief!
Perhaps now I can say that I have overcome all that pretty much. I have forgiven a lot, and my victim-ness almost isn’t appearing anymore. And, believe me, I have experienced very clearly on my own skin that forgiveness leads to immense relief.
Really, how to get rid of the victim identity? Here are some suggestions:
Practice meditation of love and compassion (loving-kindness) regularly. Develop and nurture love in your heart. Cultivate a sense of gratitude for everything in life. Many scientific studies have shown that gratitude is one of the strongest drivers of success, health, and happiness in life.
Be grateful even for seemingly negative things, because they teach us many life lessons. Through them, we mature, become stronger, and gain depth of personality. Forgive EVERYONE. Although it may seem difficult or impossible, at least give it a try.
Go from the smallest and least important events and people to the most difficult ones, including your parents. Be persistent. Forgiveness will come sooner or later and you will feel a real change in your heart. Every forgiveness will bring you a subtle and profound transformation.
Try to immediately recognize any complaints from other people. As soon as you become aware of that, try to enter the state of presence and love straightaway. Do not participate actively in such a conversation. Offer the “victim” your warm support, not by furthering their blaming games, but rather by your silent presence, and compassion.
See if you can carefully encourage them to become a better person. If you feel that your counterpart would accept your advice, subtly and gently point out his or her own responsibility or a specific opportunity so that they can get out of the vicious circle of blame and guilt. Recognize your own “victim speech.” Catch yourself talking about your troubles, problems, and difficulties, about the people who have behaved aggressively or unfairly towards you, about the difficult circumstances or numerous negativities in the society.
Immediately “ground yourself,” become present here and now, realize that you are not a victim but are fully responsible for your life, become silent, or turn the story to a better topic. In your free time, analyze your victim identity in each situation and the specific “gains” you have acquired through it. Try to get an insight into what you are obtaining through overcoming this identity in all those specific situations and how your life would change for the better. Overcome the negative beliefs that were implanted into you by various authorities and the society as a whole (“life is hard,”
“Life is a struggle,” “I am a victim,” “I always have problems,” “people are selfish,” “no one should be trusted,” etc.).
When you are permanently liberated from that subtle, but deeply ingrained, victimized attitude, a great burden will fall off your heart. Deep peace will pervade your being. Love and compassion for both yourself and others will blossom in your heart and new vistas of freedom will open up within your being.
Happy inner work!:-)
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