Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance. ― Roy T. Bennett
Helping others is a noble idea, but a very sensitive one at the same time. Despite the mistakes we may make in our life, almost all of us actually have good intentions and just want to be happy. We also want our family, friends, and other people to be happy. We have a deeply ingrained urge to help others.
Unfortunately, this urge doesn’t always yield good results, because we have limited perception and often don’t know what is truly good for us or the people around us. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to know if we really should help someone or not.
Yet, we are not omniscient beings, until we fully awaken to our true nature. Accordingly, we cannot know all possible consequences of our deeds. But our true nature, which is a kind of divine unison of Love and Pure Consciousness, is the source of perfect intelligence and innate wisdom that can lead flawlessly all our actions.
Diversity of motivation
There are many ways of helping people, but we could outline a few basic forms that differ in their motives:
The Inner Source
First, we have to ponder the source of the situation that demands our help. Our approach here will rely on the Holographic principle, which assumes that our whole individual reality is essentially contained within ourself.
So, concerning us, the source is within our being. The situation which involves the person who needs help is a symbolical projection of a specific part of our own personality. That may be our suppressed victim mentality, a trauma from the childhood, a limiting belief, or anything else.
Concerning our friend who is asking for assistance, the source of her miserable situation is within herself. One of the elements of her personality has attracted the challenge she finds herself involved in.
Ultimately, each person is fully responsible for their own life. This assumption is radical and staggering but leads us to reclaiming our inner powers. However, how can we really help another human being if they are completely responsible for their own life? Think about this: ultimately, they are part of our own being, and we are also fully responsible for our own life. If we help others, we help ourself, too. And vice versa. But we need to know what the true help is.
Ultimately, each person is fully responsible for their own life. This assumption is radical and staggering but leads us to reclaiming our inner powers.
Help from Love and Presence transforms both involved beings. These kinds of help are indeed noble.
What actually happens here? We help another being sincerely and honestly, and that very action subtly changes both of us. The element of our personality that corresponds to the problem is being transformed by our pure Love or Presence, and at least one of its partial goals is accomplished. Consequently, the overall negative emotional charge of that element is being reduced.
Nevertheless, a number of its partial goals will likely remain and will be manifest next time. That is why a proactive approach is very important: to recognize the corresponding part of the personality and to reintegrate it completely, best by using some of the chain techniques of the Reintegration System (RS).
If we miss out on doing this, a similar situation will inevitably reoccur. This applies primarily to help from Love because people are often unconsciously drawn into a chronic rescuer-victim relationship. Almost all people who are repeatedly helping the same persons, whether out of pure love or from selfish reasons, sometimes get caught up in this relation. It becomes a habit.
Every habit has three components which make the so-called habit loop: trigger, routine and reward. The routine behavior is always triggered by a specific situation. But to keep the behavior going on perpetually, it has to be “fed” by a reward. Those three elements make the habit loop.
Related to helping others, the habit loop is also common. As the triggering situation appears, perhaps our friend shows up asking to borrow some money from us, one of our previous decisions on such sets is activated (say, ‘I will always help people in need’). We immediately respond and give our friend a hand. We also receive a reward – the friend’s gratitude and our sense of satisfaction that we have helped him. Moreover, a framework belief can be activated – ‘All good or bad returns,’ so we might even get something in return from the universe.
However, the overall benefits of this behavior are short-lived, as there are no fundamental changes in either our being or the one we help.
The point is in raising awareness at those moments. We leave the habit loop when we are in the state of Presence, where there is no habit. We act from the Heart, through the pure intelligence of our True Being. In this way, through each act of genuine kindness, we partially transform our inner part that corresponds to this situation.
We leave the habit loop when we are in the state of Presence, where there is no habit.
Sooner or later, we will have to face this part of our personality completely and to reintegrate it, which will permanently resolve such conditions.
So, our approach should be twofold: first, in situations when someone seeks help, we should enter the state of Presence and respond spontaneously. Second, we must discover which part of our personality created this situation and other similar circumstances from the past and to reintegrate it.
Rescuer and Victim Relationship
Now, let us examine the so-called victim mentality. It’s a chronic attitude of being a victim of something in life, whether it be a person, harsh circumstances or injustice in general.
Typically, we develop it during childhood when we needed more attention or love from parents. However, it has lost its positive function now, when we are adults. Needless to say, it is a very dangerous attitude, which attracts real troubles in life.
The person who is recurrently asking for our help probably has a strong victim mentality. But that also means that somewhere deep inside us there is a victim aspect of our own being, too.
Yet, there is even more to this story. Every victim has her own rescuer and bully. It is not surprising that the rescuer is a person or situation which often saves her from the troubles, while the bully is a person or situation that apparently puts her in the same trouble again. The victim needs both of them. It’s a vicious and unhealthy cycle that gets ever stronger over time.
As the topic here is help, we, as the helper, will often take the role of rescuer.
The person who is recurrently asking for our help probably has a strong victim mentality.
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