Overcoming Unhealthy Pride: Strategies for Transforming a Harmful Emotion into a Positive Force5/3/2023
“He that is proud eats up himself: pride is his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle.” - William Shakespeare
David Hawkins, a late American psychiatrist, spiritual teacher and author of many books on consciousness and spirituality, talked a lot about this pride. In his famous “map of consciousness,” an ascending logarithmic scale that measures a variety of emotions and states of being that goes from 0 to 1000, Hawkins calibrated pride from 175 to 199 (where 200 represents a threshold between “negative” and “positive” states), right above fear, anger and guilt, but below courage, acceptance, and love. He used to say that pride is based on vanity and moralistic indignation. However, many people view pride as a positive emotion. We often see it as a potent force that may lead us toward great triumphs and accomplishments in life. In reality, it is a complex emotion that has both beneficial and harmful aspects. We will refer to these aspects as healthy, authentic pride, and unhealthy, hubristic pride. Two Aspects of Pride Healthy pride is a feeling of satisfaction and confidence in our abilities and achievements. It motivates us to pursue our goals and improve ourselves. Healthy pride is a source of joy, strength, and resilience. It enables us to celebrate our accomplishments without arrogance or envy. It empowers us to grow without fear or shame, limits or constraints. It is a complex emotion that has both beneficial and harmful aspects.
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"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." - Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is a transformative and immensely powerful tool for personal growth and healing. It is an act that liberates the soul from the shackles of anger and resentment. It invites us to lay down our grudges and embrace a path of peace, a journey toward a future free from the burden of negativity. With forgiveness, we open our hearts to new possibilities, transcending the limitations of the past and healing our wounds. It takes courage to forgive, a willingness to let go and see the world with different eyes. But the rewards are sweet, a harmony that resonates within us, restoring relationships and fostering growth. However, while we often associate forgiveness with those closest to us such as friends, family members, and coworkers, it is crucial to extend forgiveness to wider circles of entities, including schools, the state system, politicians, perceived enemy nations, religious groups, and even God. While we often associate forgiveness with those closest to us such as friends, family members, and coworkers, it is crucial to extend forgiveness to wider circles of entities.
Forgiving larger entities may seem daunting, but it is an essential step toward inner peace and growth. These entities, though seemingly distant and out of our control, are actually a part of our inner being, representing our innermost structures. By truly and completely forgiving them, we reintegrate these parts of ourselves and take full responsibility for our lives. After all, the holographic principle suggests that our inner being and consciousness are mirrored and reflected in the outer reality of our life.
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Dear friends,
Here are some ideas or suggestions which, although they do not cover all areas of life and are not universal, in my deep conviction could be truly precious for your life. Conscious Presence Strive to live consciously in the present moment. This does not mean that you should neglect planning or reflection, on the contrary – everything you do should be done with full awareness of yourself and that which you are doing. We can call such an approach “conscious presence” and it will bring you deep inner peace and efficiency in everything you do. For example, when performing daily or routine activities, be aware of yourself, your body, the environment, and the present moment as often as possible. Be here and now. Feel your body, the movements of your arms and legs. Observe everything around you without judging. Notice the small details, look at them as if you are seeing them for the first time in your life. Everything you do should be done with full awareness of yourself and that which you are doing.
Whenever you walk, be aware of the movement of your legs and arms. Watch your feet rhythmically touch the ground. Feel the ground under your feet. When you are at rest, become aware of the pure, empty space that is in you and around you, that stretches infinitely in all directions, as the basis and bearer of everything that exists. Pure space everywhere. This will quickly bring you into the alpha state of consciousness, i.e. a state of deep peace. Then focus on your breathing. Observe the airflow inside you. Feel the air as it passes through your nose and trachea and fills up your lungs. Follow its way back. Relax and do not change the rhythm of breathing. If a thought pops into your mind, simply go back to observing your breathing. Whenever you enter the present moment, you will also enter a state of calmness and relaxation. Even better, if you persevere in this practice you will become increasingly immune to stress. Moreover, for seemingly no reason, you will enter periods of deep inner peace and unspeakable joy more and more often. You will be more efficient in everything you do. You will have fewer and fewer unnecessary thoughts. Unwanted feelings and reactions will subside and will gradually integrate into the wholeness of your being. Conscious living in the present moment will have a beneficial effect on your life as a whole. People around you will feel it, many will improve their relationship with you, while unpleasant people will spontaneously leave your life. All these beneficial changes in your life will happen as a result of applying the other tips in this text as well. Gratitude Develop gratitude in your heart. It is one of the key and noblest feelings, extremely important for your inner peace, stability in life, and spiritual development. No matter how difficult or unjust life may seem to you, you always have countless reasons to be grateful. For example, you can feel gratitude for your existence, for your body, health, family, friends, for any seemingly small pleasure or smile that someone has given you… Feel gratitude for anything. The feeling is important, not the reason. You can send gratitude to God, angels, or dear people, although it does not have to be addressed to anyone - just feel that feeling. Challenges See all of your inconveniences and problems as opportunities to learn certain life lessons. Face the difficulties immediately, without exception. Think of them as challenges and opportunities for your growth. Try to look at any uncomfortable situation from a broader perspective. That trouble will also pass and you will emerge stronger. Always keep in mind that, after all, everything is an illusion and that the real, true existence is on higher, spiritual levels. In fact, the only true reality is God, that is, Infinite Consciousness. Everything else is fleeting. And even though it doesn't seem that way to you now, this world is an illusion. Face the difficulties immediately, without exception. Think of them as challenges and opportunities for your growth.
One of the most difficult obstacles to true forgiveness is our conscious or subconscious intention to change the people who have been hurting us.
This is wrong! It is not up to us to change anyone. We must change ourselves instead. Only in this way can we truly influence others. Let's say you have just forgiven your brother for hurting you. At least you think you have forgiven him. Alas, he hurts you again tomorrow in the same way and you get angry once more. Obviously, you have not forgiven him, otherwise, you wouldn't have become triggered by his behavior again. What was wrong with your forgiveness? We all want to change others, more or less. So, yes, we forgive them, but only for a particular action under certain circumstances. For this time only. But what about the future? Although we seemingly forgave them, subconsciously we expected them to change. We thought they are the one who should have changed, not us. They won't. Actually, they will, but at their own pace and in their own way, but it's not up to us. We must presume that the person is going to endlessly and perpetually cause us pain and forgive them despite that! Of course, easier said than done. Nevertheless, try this: imagine that the person you want to forgive will be hurting you endlessly. Assume that they are so stubborn that they are never going to change their behavior; that they will never transform into a better version of themselves. Imagine clearly that they will try to hurt you tomorrow even more. Suppose that he or she is unable to improve in any way. On the contrary, they may only become worse and worse and there's no end to this. We must presume that the person is going to endlessly and perpetually cause us pain and forgive them despite that!
Now, forgive them as such! Can you do that? Do you really want to get rid of this burden, to get your life force back?
Forgive this person as though they are going to worsen their behavior towards you, increasingly, forever. Do you possess such capacity, such depth of your character? If you do, congratulations – that's true forgiveness. If you don't – never mind. Do not judge yourself, we are all human beings. But the same problem will reappear. So, try again. Know that all your bad circumstances, all the people around you who are making you suffer, are all there for the purpose of your growth. From every such experience, you may extract some unique and truly valuable life lessons. Your worst enemies or the most stubborn and annoying friends are in fact your greatest teachers! Perhaps they agreed with you before this lifetime to make such a great sacrifice for you, that now you even consider them enemies or bad people, all with the goal of enabling you to learn the hardest life lesson - to truly forgive. Is there any greater sacrifice than that? For example, if your friend constantly gets into the same troubles while stubbornly and bluntly refusing your advice, and it's all annoying to you, stop trying to change her. Change yourself instead. Find within your own being the very trait that annoys you the most in her behavior. Although not being aware of that, she is actually teaching you, she is pointing to the important aspect of your personality you have to deal with now. And forgive her, truly and completely, with all your heart. Imagine that she will never, never change, that she is going to worsen instead and to annoy you for the rest of this life and…forgive her despite that! For the very act of forgiveness, to learn how to do it, you may use various techniques or approaches described in another article. But remember, only when you succeed in this kind of “eternal forgiveness,” have you truly let go, you are free. Don't forget that forgiveness is a process. You will probably have to forgive many aspects of the other person's unwanted behavior, as though they are all permanent. The same stands for any situation, circumstance, or thing in your life that brings you suffering. Accept it, forgive it totally, even though it is presumably going to persist as such eternally! If you are able to do this, you have truly learned forgiveness.
There are many definitions of gratitude. Most of them describe this emotion as an appreciation for what we receive from others. However, such a view is somewhat narrow in the context of the actual topic of this article.
Viewed more broadly, gratefulness is related not only to receiving help, gifts, or praises from other people, but to a state of appreciation for our own deeds, traits, and accomplishments. Through gratitude, we learn to appreciate all we have already become and what we achieved in life. Gratitude emphasizes goodness. When we are grateful, we focus on who we are and what we have achieved, rather than always putting most of our attention to numerous negativities in our life. What are the benefits of gratitude? No doubt, gratitude is one of the most beneficial states of being. As a personal growth practice, its effects are powerful and profound, and are similar to those of meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, and forgiveness. There is plenty of scientific research that strongly confirms the numerous and somewhat surprising benefits of gratitude. Regularly practiced, it will have a huge, positive impact on our personality. It will significantly improve our emotional and social life, career, and health. Concretely, this emotion:
Indeed, plenty of reasons to be grateful! Through gratitude, we learn to appreciate all we have already become and what we achieved in life.
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How to practice gratitude?
There are so many ways to do this practice. The key is, of course, to incite the very feeling of gratefulness as strongly and deeply as possible, using various techniques and approaches. For example, every morning (after getting up) and evening (before sleep), you may think of three to five concrete things that you are grateful for. You may be thankful for small things that make you happy at the moment, like a morning cup of coffee, or your child’s hug. You could feel gratitude for some of your basic aspects of life, like your very existence, body, having eyesight, the beating heart, breath, two hands and two legs, being healthy, aware, and sane. Or, you can be appreciative for your children, family, relationships, spiritual practice, romantic love, wealth, accomplishments, education, creativity, ability to deeply love and feel compassion, good habits, and so on. It is also a good idea to put on paper all your reasons for gratitude each time you do this practice. Another way of developing the feeling of gratefulness is to follow gratitude prompts. The prompts allow you to identify all the things you are grateful for. You simply have to fill in the blanks. The prompts cover multiple senses, colors, people, and things. The goal is to identify at least three things in each category that you are thankful for. The prompts include:
Or, you can make your own gratitude statements. Here are some examples of such statements: - I’m so grateful for my life (or existence). - Thank you God for keeping me and my family alive and healthy. - Thank you angels for the incessant flow of inspiration I am blessed with. - I'm so thankful to those who love me and accept me for who I am. - I’m grateful for this wonderful cup of coffee. - I’m so thankful for my children’s happiness. - I’m so grateful for my spouse’s smile and laughter. - Thank you, Universe for fulfilling my desire for success. - I feel gratitude for my job and regular salaries. - I am thankful to myself for finishing this project. - Thank you, my dear body, for serving me faithfully all these years. This list could be endless. There are so many reasons for being grateful all the time. To whom should we be grateful?
Beginner’s mind is a state of consciousness in which the mind is completely open, without any preconceptions about people, events, surroundings, or anything else. It is an incredible state of novelty, awe, and curiosity.
Entering the state of beginner’s mind is one of the cornerstones in several spiritual traditions, especially in Zen Buddhism. However, it is not important for religion only; it is one of the key practices for spiritual development and personal growth in general, even for some atheistic or agnostic practitioners. Similar to mindfulness, beginner’s mind brings about deep inner peace; it opens up the sacred heart and its ability for love and compassion; it activates creativity and unveils numerous hidden gifts. How do we grow beginner’s mind and make it take deep roots in our everyday life? Simply, we need to learn how to enter this state of consciousness first and to practice it persistently. Beginner’s mind brings about deep inner peace; it opens up the sacred heart and its ability for love and compassion; it activates creativity and unveils numerous hidden gifts.
Typically, the practitioner should enter the present moment. They have to intentionally put aside all preconceptions about the current situation; to pretend that they know virtually nothing about it; to feel genuine curiosity; to willingly observe everything as they are seeing it for the first time in their life.
Nevertheless, for some people, this practice can be insufficient for developing a strong and enduring foundation for a pure, innocent state of mind. That's why everyday meditation sessions are critical. And I am going to introduce you here to a completely new kind of meditation that will not only take you into the state of beginner’s mind but will also, if practiced steadily, help you expand your consciousness in many ways. We will name it ‘Alien Meditation,’ because you will first imagine yourself as an extraterrestrial being in an alien environment, so that your real human body and everyday surrounding seem strange and new, at least for a while. Practicing this meditation will enable you to delve deeply into the profound state of beginner’s mind, while your consciousness and creativity will be expanding tremendously. Practicing this meditation will enable you to delve deeply into the profound state of beginner’s mind, while your consciousness and creativity will be expanding tremendously.
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How many times have you heard: life is so hard; people are selfish; trust no one; it’s his (her) fault…? Very often, for sure. It’s the victim mentality in action. For some people, there is always someone or something to blame.
Almost all of us carry within the victim mentality, regardless of gender, profession, age (except for small children), or any other determinant. Taking the form of victim identity and behavior, this mentality very often surfaces in everyday life from the depths of our subconscious minds, bringing us numerous troubles or reinforcing the already existing ones. The victim identity is detrimental to our mental and physical health. However, like every other part of our being, it plays an important role in our maturing and spiritual development. Identifying the Victim Identity Perhaps the most difficult part of the process of getting rid of this identity is recognizing it first. How does it manifest? How can we immediately recognize the appearance of the victim identity in everyday life? Here are the most important indicators:
Therefore, the core attribute of victim identity is blaming. The “victim” typically says to himself or others:
The core attribute of victim identity is blaming. Subconscious Causes of the Victim Mentality
In this article, we will talk ruminate over the true, healthy kind of self-love. It is as pure and noble as parents’ unconditional love of their children.
Self-love is immensely important! But first to clarify: in this kind of love, we are never putting ourselves above others. Even if we do not feel much love of other people, when we truly love ourselves, the love of others will naturally grow in our hearts. True self-love is not egoistic, is not selfish at all. When you truly love yourself, the love of others will naturally blossom in your heart. Like all other beings, you also deserve love and happiness. Therefore, why shouldn’t you love yourself as others? I guess this is the only topic I maybe disagree with Eckhart Tolle. Unless I misunderstood him (which is quite probable), he asserted several times that it is not possible that you love yourself, because love is a relationship between two or more beings. On the contrary, I feel that real love is not a relationship, it is a state of being. Perhaps it's just a matter of different definition. When we love somebody, we desire that they be genuinely happy. Similarly, if we love ourselves, we desire true happiness for ourselves, that we be joyful, healthy, and prosperous. So, we can love ourselves, and it is crucial for our well-being. Yes, love is a deep tendency toward a unity of two or more beings, toward oneness. This is indeed an important aspect of love, but it also could be applied to self-love. One can love her own parts of personality, her physical body, her heart, soul, or higher self, as all these may be considered as relatively distinct parts of her being. Why not? Through self-love, she may help all these aspects of her being to fully reintegrate, reunite, and become one, as they have actually been all the time. Why Is Self-Love So Important? By loving ourselves, we are doing our best for our well-being, for our growth, health, and overall happiness. When we truly love ourselves, our actions, both conscious and subconscious, will genuinely be directed toward our happiness, prosperity, and spiritual liberation. If one develops healthy love toward herself, she won’t be able to do any harm to herself anymore, neither consciously nor unconsciously. Her subconscious mind will not undermine her genuine actions. Moreover, she will feel lovable. She will further deepen existing bonds with supportive people, heal many painful interactions, and attract some new, beautiful and fulfilling relationships. When we truly love ourselves, our actions, both conscious and subconscious, will genuinely be directed toward our happiness, prosperity, and spiritual liberation.
Additionally, scientific research has shown that developing self-love results in an increase in optimism, and a decrease of depression and anxiety. It also brings frequent and more enduring healthy behavior changes and more effective recovery from stress.
On the other hand, lack of self-love increases suicidal tendencies and attempts according to the American Association of Suicidology. It intensifies depression, hopelessness, and low self-esteem. This is the root of self-sabotage. Self-love deprivation may also lead to alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders, and many other difficulties. Holographic Principle I often reflect over many aspects of life through the Holographic View of the Universe, because of its universality, incredible lucidity, and symbolic applicability in virtually in all areas of our existence. In short, translated to spiritual life, the Holographic Principle asserts that our inner being is symbolically mirrored in the outer reality, and vice versa. Applied to this topic, the holographic view implies that whenever we, as a microcosm, are cultivating healthy self-love, we are certainly growing love of the macrocosm, i.e., external world and all its beings. In other words (and putting aside romantic love), we can truly love others only to the extent we love ourselves. And when we truly love others, we love and nurture ourselves, too. The holographic view implies that whenever we, as a microcosm, are cultivating healthy self-love, we are certainly growing love of the macrocosm, i.e., external world and all its beings.
However, if we are desperately trying to love other people, while we haven’t resolved our inner obstacles to our well-being, a dangerous imbalance may occur – all the energy of love directed toward other beings will be reflected back into ourselves, but may dissipate and pale out.
How to Develop Self-Love
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Every human being has their unique excellence. It is a particular talent, skill or ability possessed deep inside, which is unusually good and so surpasses ordinary standards.
You may already be certain of your own excellence. If that is the case, the part of this article about it might not be relevant to you (although you still may find the Timeline Method useful for other purposes). However, most people do not know what their best qualities are. Inhibited by the chores and pressures of everyday life, people often forget about their unique strengths and talents. They may not even be aware they have any excellence at all. Once we are able to reclaim that lost power, though, we can redirect our lives toward any path. We can find a unique purpose on Earth and make our lives immensely happier. The Timeline Method How do we achieve that? Here is one direct method for finding our excellence: the Timeline Method. First draw a simple timeline on a sheet of paper, with a zero point representing the year of your birth, and a point near the right arrow, indicating your present age, as shown below.
Now, say that you are 40 years old. Divide your lifetime into 5-year periods, which in this case means to divide the line span between birth and present into 8 parts (see figure below).
Then, try to recall a few of the most important events in your life for each 5-year period, whether they are positive (pleasant) or negative (unpleasant) to you. When I am talking about events, I mean experiences. They can be sudden and brief incidents, related to an exact point in time, or kind of fuzzy impressions, even stretching through longer periods of your life. They might be a mix of positive and negative feelings, rather than just one. The only criterion for the importance of events should be the intensity of emotions connected with them, regardless of their pleasantness.
So, although our intent is to recollect positive experiences related to important achievements from our past, it is necessary to search for all types of experiences (positive, mixed, and negative ones), because that will ease the whole process of recollection. The events will flow out from our memory more naturally. Also, this timeline may play a tremendous role in other aspects of your inner work. Perhaps you might want to work with traumas from your past, using, for example, Accepting the Temporary I technique to dissolve the unpleasant emotional burden of events. You could also do this without drawing the timeline. However, a visual representation of the concrete periods of your past is a good stimulus for your subconscious mind and smoother memory recollection. You may put pleasant and mixed experiences above the timeline, and the unpleasant ones below it. It might look something like the figure below:
Write down the labels for every experience, together with dominant emotions and names of the most significant people involved in each life event.
Finding the Excellence With all this in front of you, you will begin the process of finding your excellence by making a new list out of all these pleasant experiences. It will just be a starting point for this purpose. These positive events will be a basis for a much broader list. Following each period from the timeline, write down every single achievement in your life that you can recall. Both your big and small achievements should be written down.
Important criteria for these attainments are only two qualities: first, you loved doing them, so they were easy or natural, and second, you were happy with the result.
Next, analyze and compare these achievements by passing through the whole list. Search for your individual traits which were praised most often, and which of your personal qualities had steered you toward every single accomplishment. Write down which traits and skills you had during those moments, or periods, that were required for achieving those feats. You may attach at least two personal qualities to each accomplishment. Next, go over all your newly written skills on the list. Find the most frequent and significant skills. If you can, it is best to extract only one or two of them. These are your abilities and talents that you should use for all your future endeavors; taken jointly, they are your excellence. For instance, your true excellence might be public speaking, personal development, decision making, math, accounting, bookkeeping, sports, painting, music, singing, writing, legal, marketing, programming, humor, photography, video creation, wisdom, foreign languages, teaching, training, leadership, strategic planning, story telling, fitness, ability to focus, conflict resolution, futurism, … Anyway, this revelation may be revolutionary to you. Thanks to it, you will be able to define or modify your life goals in accordance with your rediscovered excellence. You can steer your life in the same direction with much more confidence, or to change your direction whatsoever. Good luck with your inner work! :-)
Many successful people keep journals. Also, some famous figures in history, like Napoleon or Marcus Aurelius kept journals. This practice has some obvious benefits – it clears up your mind, releases stress, and brings you clarity and inner peace.
There are many varieties of journaling, like keeping a diary; journaling with the Stream of Consciousness technique; keeping a journal from others’ perspective; dream journaling; art journaling; and many, many others. For all of these methods, you can easily find instructions on the Internet. However, in this article, I will focus on a new type of this practice: the Vantage Point Journaling, part of the Reintegration System methodology. Vantage Point Journaling We could say that this is a unique journaling technique. It is different from all other methods in that it initiates writing from four distinctive points of view:
You can adapt your Vantage Point (VP) Journaling practice to your own needs and circumstances. For example, you can keep your diary in a VP Journal form, or practice the Stream of Consciousness technique in a VP Journal framework. Of course, you can apply any other well-known journaling method and do it from several points of view of VP Journaling practice. Vantage Point Journaling is different from all other methods in that it initiates writing from four distinctive points of view.
VP Diary Journaling
This method of journaling is especially good for those of you who need to improve mental clarity, de-clutter the mind, and improve focus. All of us know very well what a diary is. What’s important for this practice is that diary captures streams of thought in an organized and structured way. It requires investing a certain amount of energy and focus on writing. In this framework we will write our diary from several vantage points – the Temporary I,[1] the Heart, another person’s perspective, and Pure Consciousness. The VP Diary Journaling structure is the following: Stage 1: Writing from the Temporary I To begin with your journaling session, do not try to change your mindset or relax too much. Just stay in your current state of mind, whatever it is. Maybe you are anxious, worried, angry, or experiencing any other emotion. You have to write exactly from that state. In this stage, your vantage point is your Temporary I, your transitory I-feeling at that very moment. Just become aware of your Temporary I, its location within your body, and – write. Think about your day, event, or person that you want to write about. The text should be relatively structured, with meaningful sentences. You may be putting on the paper the most important impressions of that particular day, event, or person. Your diary may also relate to thoughts, emotions, new ideas, etc. Let it flow from you. If you are writing in the evening, you can structure your journal by creating a list of questions that you will answer:
Give three to five meaningful answers to each of these questions. When you finish your text, review it. Feel and fully accept main ideas or parts of your text, one by one. You must accept all the main thoughts in the text. By doing that you will effectively remove a great deal of that day’s burden. On the other hand, if you are journaling in the morning, you can create a list of questions related to your goals or action steps for that day, like these:
If you are working with goals, at the end of your text write down the most important goals you are currently working toward. If you want, you can limit the time of writing in this stage, but it should last no less than five minutes. But don’t worry – if you are too tired, it won’t be a problem to reduce your writing to only one or two sentences that comprise your whole day.
Stage 2: Writing from the Heart
The second stage requires you to relax and open your mind. You will probably already find yourself pretty relaxed because the first phase (writing from your Temporary I) has surely de-cluttered your mind to a significant extent. |
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