One of the most difficult obstacles to true forgiveness is our conscious or subconscious intention to change the people who have been hurting us.
 
This is wrong! It is not up to us to change anyone. We must change ourselves instead. Only in this way can we truly influence others.
 
Let's say you have just forgiven your brother for hurting you. At least you think you have forgiven him. Alas, he hurts you again tomorrow in the same way and you get angry once more. Obviously, you have not forgiven him, otherwise, you wouldn't have become triggered by his behavior again. 
 
What was wrong with your forgiveness?
 
We all want to change others, more or less. So, yes, we forgive them, but only for a particular action under certain circumstances. For this time only. But what about the future?
 
Although we seemingly forgave them, subconsciously we expected them to change. We thought they are the one who should have changed, not us.
 
They won't. Actually, they will, but at their own pace and in their own way, but it's not up to us.
 
We must presume that the person is going to endlessly and perpetually cause us pain and forgive them despite that! 
 
Of course, easier said than done. Nevertheless, try this: imagine that the person you want to forgive will be hurting you endlessly. Assume that they are so stubborn that they are never going to change their behavior; that they will never transform into a better version of themselves. Imagine clearly that they will try to hurt you tomorrow even more. Suppose that he or she is unable to improve in any way. On the contrary, they may only become worse and worse and there's no end to this. ​

Now, forgive them as such! Can you do that? Do you really want to get rid of this burden, to get your life force back?
 
Forgive this person as though they are going to worsen their behavior towards you, increasingly, forever. Do you possess such capacity, such depth of your character? If you do, congratulations – that's true forgiveness. If you don't – never mind. Do not judge yourself, we are all human beings. But the same problem will reappear.
 
So, try again.
 
Know that all your bad circumstances, all the people around you who are making you suffer, are all there for the purpose of your growth. From every such experience, you may extract some unique and truly valuable life lessons.
 
Your worst enemies or the most stubborn and annoying friends are in fact your greatest teachers! Perhaps they agreed with you before this lifetime to make such a great sacrifice for you, that now you even consider them enemies or bad people, all with the goal of enabling you to learn the hardest life lesson - to truly forgive. Is there any greater sacrifice than that?
 
For example, if your friend constantly gets into the same troubles while stubbornly and bluntly refusing your advice, and it's all annoying to you, stop trying to change her. Change yourself instead. Find within your own being the very trait that annoys you the most in her behavior. Although not being aware of that, she is actually teaching you, she is pointing to the important aspect of your personality you have to deal with now.
 
And forgive her, truly and completely, with all your heart. Imagine that she will never, never change, that she is going to worsen instead and to annoy you for the rest of this life and…forgive her despite that!
 
For the very act of forgiveness, to learn how to do it, you may use various techniques or approaches described in another article. But remember, only when you succeed in this kind of “eternal forgiveness,” have you truly let go, you are free. 
 
Don't forget that forgiveness is a process. You will probably have to forgive many aspects of the other person's unwanted behavior, as though they are all permanent.
 
The same stands for any situation, circumstance, or thing in your life that brings you suffering. Accept it, forgive it totally, even though it is presumably going to persist as such eternally! If you are able to do this, you have truly learned forgiveness. ​

​There are many definitions of gratitude. Most of them describe this emotion as an appreciation for what we receive from others. However, such a view is somewhat narrow in the context of the actual topic of this article.
 
Viewed more broadly, gratefulness is related not only to receiving help, gifts, or praises from other people, but to a state of appreciation for our own deeds, traits, and accomplishments. Through gratitude, we learn to appreciate all we have already become and what we achieved in life.
 
Gratitude emphasizes goodness. When we are grateful, we focus on who we are and what we have achieved, rather than always putting most of our attention to numerous negativities in our life.
 
 
What are the benefits of gratitude?
 
No doubt, gratitude is one of the most beneficial states of being. As a personal growth practice, its effects are powerful and profound, and are similar to those of meditation, mindfulness, prayer, yoga, and forgiveness.
 
There is plenty of scientific research that strongly confirms the numerous and somewhat surprising benefits of gratitude. Regularly practiced, it will have a huge, positive impact on our personality. It will significantly improve our emotional and social life, career, and health. Concretely, this emotion:

• Increases happiness
• Improves physical and mental health
• Improves relationships
• Enhances well-being
• Improves self-control
• Improves self-esteem
• Increases mental strength
• Improves sleep
• Enhances empathy
• Reduces aggression
• Enhances optimism
• Reduces blood pressure
• Helps people recover from substance misuse

 
Indeed, plenty of reasons to be grateful!

​How to practice gratitude?
 
There are so many ways to do this practice. The key is, of course, to incite the very feeling of gratefulness as strongly and deeply as possible, using various techniques and approaches.
 
For example, every morning (after getting up) and evening (before sleep), you may think of three to five concrete things that you are grateful for. You may be thankful for small things that make you happy at the moment, like a morning cup of coffee, or your child’s hug. You could feel gratitude for some of your basic aspects of life, like your very existence, body, having eyesight, the beating heart, breath, two hands and two legs, being healthy, aware, and sane. Or, you can be appreciative for your children, family, relationships, spiritual practice, romantic love, wealth, accomplishments, education, creativity, ability to deeply love and feel compassion, good habits, and so on.
 
It is also a good idea to put on paper all your reasons for gratitude each time you do this practice.
 
Another way of developing the feeling of gratefulness is to follow gratitude prompts. The prompts allow you to identify all the things you are grateful for. You simply have to fill in the blanks. The prompts cover multiple senses, colors, people, and things. The goal is to identify at least three things in each category that you are thankful for.
 
The prompts include:

• I’m grateful for three things I hear:
• I’m grateful for three things I see:
• I’m grateful for three things I smell:
• I’m grateful for three things I feel:
• I’m grateful for these three things I taste:
• I’m grateful for these three emotions:
• I’m grateful for these three events:
• I’m grateful for these three friends:
• I’m grateful for these three family members:
• I’m grateful for these three things in my home:
• I’m grateful for these three accomplishments:
• I’m grateful for these three traits:
• Etc.

 
Or, you can make your own gratitude statements. Here are some examples of such statements:
-       I’m so grateful for my life (or existence).
-       Thank you God for keeping me and my family alive and healthy. 
-       Thank you angels for the incessant flow of inspiration I am blessed with.
-       I'm so thankful to those who love me and accept me for who I am.
-       I’m grateful for this wonderful cup of coffee.
-       I’m so thankful for my children’s happiness.
-       I’m so grateful for my spouse’s smile and laughter.
-       Thank you, Universe for fulfilling my desire for success.
-       I feel gratitude for my job and regular salaries.
-       I am thankful to myself for finishing this project.
-       Thank you, my dear body, for serving me faithfully all these years.
 
This list could be endless. There are so many reasons for being grateful all the time.

​To whom should we be grateful?

​​Beginner’s mind is a state of consciousness in which the mind is completely open, without any preconceptions about people, events, surroundings, or anything else.  It is an incredible state of novelty, awe, and curiosity.
 
Entering the state of beginner’s mind is one of the cornerstones in several spiritual traditions, especially in Zen Buddhism. However, it is not important for religion only; it is one of the key practices for spiritual development and personal growth in general, even for some atheistic or agnostic practitioners. Similar to mindfulness, beginner’s mind brings about deep inner peace; it opens up the sacred heart and its ability for love and compassion; it activates creativity and unveils numerous hidden gifts.
 
How do we grow beginner’s mind and make it take deep roots in our everyday life? Simply, we need to learn how to enter this state of consciousness first and to practice it persistently. 

Typically, the practitioner should enter the present moment. They have to intentionally put aside all preconceptions about the current situation; to pretend that they know virtually nothing about it; to feel genuine curiosity; to willingly observe everything as they are seeing it for the first time in their life.  
 
Nevertheless, for some people, this practice can be insufficient for developing a strong and enduring foundation for a pure, innocent state of mind. That's why everyday meditation sessions are critical. And I am going to introduce you here to a completely new kind of meditation that will not only take you into the state of beginner’s mind but will also, if practiced steadily, help you expand your consciousness in many ways.
 
We will name it ‘Alien Meditation,’ because you will first imagine yourself as an extraterrestrial being in an alien environment, so that your real human body and everyday surrounding seem strange and new, at least for a while.
 
Practicing this meditation will enable you to delve deeply into the profound state of beginner’s mind, while your consciousness and creativity will be expanding tremendously.

​​How many times have you heard: life is so hard; people are selfish; trust no one; it’s his (her) fault…? Very often, for sure. It’s the victim mentality in action. For some people, there is always someone or something to blame.
 
Almost all of us carry within the victim mentality, regardless of gender, profession, age (except for small children), or any other determinant. Taking the form of victim identity and behavior, this mentality very often surfaces in everyday life from the depths of our subconscious minds, bringing us numerous troubles or reinforcing the already existing ones.
 
The victim identity is detrimental to our mental and physical health. However, like every other part of our being, it plays an important role in our maturing and spiritual development.
 
 
Identifying the Victim Identity
 
Perhaps the most difficult part of the process of getting rid of this identity is recognizing it first. How does it manifest? How can we immediately recognize the appearance of the victim identity in everyday life? Here are the most important indicators:

• Blaming other people. Whenever a complaint, gossip, or moan is related to blaming someone, even if it seems completely justified - it is a manifestation of the victim mentality. In that way, the person unconsciously tries to get attention, compassion, support, and validation that someone treated them unfairly, rudely, harshly ... Blaming others is always a sign of the victim identity.
• Blaming oneself. Often a person in the victim identity does not blame other people, but herself instead. An emotion of guilt for deeds she apparently did or did not commit overwhelms her completely. She is in a state of self-pity in its extreme form. She intensely complains about it to other people (although sometimes she keeps everything to herself). Such complaints are also very dangerous for a person's mental stability and overall health.
• Blaming the circumstances. Many people also frequently complain about life difficulties that have befallen them. In this case, the person does not put blame on himself or other people. He instead blames the circumstances and hardships in his life. However, it is still a form of the victim identity, where the “victim” consciously or unconsciously blames life, God, the universe, society, unfortunate events, etc.

 
Therefore, the core attribute of victim identity is blaming.
 
The “victim” typically says to himself or others:

• I can't.
• Life is hard.
• Life is a struggle.
• I am always a victim.
• I always have problems.
• People are selfish.
• You can't trust people.
• Others are better than me.
• Beware of deception; it's everywhere.
• Everyone is always picking on me.
• You don't understand how hard it is for me.

​Subconscious Causes of the Victim Mentality

​In this article, we will talk ruminate over the true, healthy kind of self-love. It is as pure and noble as parents’ unconditional love of their children.
 
Self-love is immensely important!
 
But first to clarify: in this kind of love, we are never putting ourselves above others. Even if we do not feel much love of other people, when we truly love ourselves, the love of others will naturally grow in our hearts.
 
True self-love is not egoistic, is not selfish at all. When you truly love yourself, the love of others will naturally blossom in your heart. Like all other beings, you also deserve love and happiness. Therefore, why shouldn’t you love yourself as others?
 
I guess this is the only topic I maybe disagree with Eckhart Tolle. Unless I misunderstood him (which is quite probable), he asserted several times that it is not possible that you love yourself, because love is a relationship between two or more beings. On the contrary, I feel that real love is not a relationship, it is a state of being. Perhaps it's just a matter of different definition. When we love somebody, we desire that they be genuinely happy. Similarly, if we love ourselves, we desire true happiness for ourselves, that we be joyful, healthy, and prosperous. So, we can love ourselves, and it is crucial for our well-being.
 
Yes, love is a deep tendency toward a unity of two or more beings, toward oneness. This is indeed an important aspect of love, but it also could be applied to self-love. One can love her own parts of personality, her physical body, her heart, soul, or higher self, as all these may be considered as relatively distinct parts of her being. Why not? Through self-love, she may help all these aspects of her being to fully reintegrate, reunite, and become one, as they have actually been all the time.
 
 
Why Is Self-Love So Important?
 
By loving ourselves, we are doing our best for our well-being, for our growth, health, and overall happiness.
 
When we truly love ourselves, our actions, both conscious and subconscious, will genuinely be directed toward our happiness, prosperity, and spiritual liberation.
 
If one develops healthy love toward herself, she won’t be able to do any harm to herself anymore, neither consciously nor unconsciously. Her subconscious mind will not undermine her genuine actions. Moreover, she will feel lovable. She will further deepen existing bonds with supportive people, heal many painful interactions, and attract some new, beautiful and fulfilling relationships.

​Additionally, scientific research has shown that developing self-love results in an increase in optimism, and a decrease of depression and anxiety. It also brings frequent and more enduring healthy behavior changes and more effective recovery from stress.
 
On the other hand, lack of self-love increases suicidal tendencies and attempts according to the American Association of Suicidology. It intensifies depression, hopelessness, and low self-esteem. This is the root of self-sabotage. Self-love deprivation may also lead to alcohol and drug abuse, eating disorders, and many other difficulties.
 
 
Holographic Principle 

I often reflect over many aspects of life through the Holographic View of the Universe, because of its universality, incredible lucidity, and symbolic applicability in virtually in all areas of our existence.
 
In short, translated to spiritual life, the Holographic Principle asserts that our inner being is symbolically mirrored in the outer reality, and vice versa. Applied to this topic, the holographic view implies that whenever we, as a microcosm, are cultivating healthy self-love, we are certainly growing love of the macrocosm, i.e., external world and all its beings.
 
In other words (and putting aside romantic love), we can truly love others only to the extent we love ourselves. And when we truly love others, we love and nurture ourselves, too. 

However, if we are desperately trying to love other people, while we haven’t resolved our inner obstacles to our well-being, a dangerous imbalance may occur – all the energy of love directed toward other beings will be reflected back into ourselves, but may dissipate and pale out.
 
 
How to Develop Self-Love ​