How to Help Others Genuinely

Author: Nebo D. Lukovich

Learner, Reader, Student of Life

Nebo D. Lukovich

​Learn to light a candle in the darkest moments of someone’s life. Be the light that helps others see; it is what gives life its deepest significance. ― Roy T. Bennett

​Helping others is a noble idea, but a very sensitive one at the same time. Despite the mistakes we may make in our life, almost all of us actually have good intentions and just want to be happy. We also want our family, friends, and other people to be happy. We have a deeply ingrained urge to help others.

Unfortunately, this urge doesn’t always yield good results, because we have limited perception and often don’t know what is truly good for us or the people around us. Therefore, it is of utmost importance to know if we really should help someone or not.

Yet, we are not omniscient beings, until we fully awaken to our true nature. Accordingly, we cannot know all possible consequences of our deeds. But our true nature, which is a kind of divine unison of Love and Pure Consciousness, is the source of perfect intelligence and innate wisdom that can lead flawlessly all our actions.
 
Diversity of motivation

​There are many ways of helping people, but we could outline a few basic forms that differ in their motives:

• Our help might be motivated by a selfish interest;
• It can be driven by our general determination to always help people who asked for it;
• Help which is made from Love, through sincere sympathy toward the people in need;
• From the state of Presence (pure consciousness), through a spontaneous action.

 
The Inner Source

​First, we have to ponder the source of the situation that demands our help. Our approach here will rely on the Holographic principle, which assumes that our whole individual reality is essentially contained within ourself.

So, concerning us, the source is within our being. The situation which involves the person who needs help is a symbolical projection of a specific part of our own personality. That may be our suppressed victim mentality, a trauma from the childhood, a limiting belief, or anything else.

Concerning our friend who is asking for assistance, the source of her miserable situation is within herself. One of the elements of her personality has attracted the challenge she finds herself involved in.

Ultimately, each person is fully responsible for their own life. This assumption is radical and staggering but leads us to reclaiming our inner powers. However, how can we really help another human being if they are completely responsible for their own life? Think about this: ultimately, they are part of our own being, and we are also fully responsible for our own life. If we help others, we help ourself, too. And vice versa. But we need to know what the true help is.

Ultimately, each person is fully responsible for their own life. This assumption is radical and staggering but leads us to reclaiming our inner powers.

True Help

Help from Love and Presence transforms both involved beings. These kinds of help are indeed noble. 

​What actually happens here? We help another being sincerely and honestly, and that very action subtly changes both of us. The element of our personality that corresponds to the problem is being transformed by our pure Love or Presence, and at least one of its partial goals is accomplished. Consequently, the overall negative emotional charge of that element is being reduced.

Nevertheless, a number of its partial goals will likely remain and will be manifest next time. That is why a proactive approach is very important: to recognize the corresponding part of the personality and to reintegrate it completely, best by using some of the chain techniques of the Reintegration System (RS).

If we miss out on doing this, a similar situation will inevitably reoccur. This applies primarily to help from Love because people are often unconsciously drawn into a chronic rescuer-victim relationship. Almost all people who are repeatedly helping the same persons, whether out of pure love or from selfish reasons, sometimes get caught up in this relation. It becomes a habit.
 
Habitual Behavior

Every habit has three components which make the so-called habit loop: trigger, routine and reward. The routine behavior is always triggered by a specific situation. But to keep the behavior going on perpetually, it has to be “fed” by a reward. Those three elements make the habit loop.

Related to helping others, the habit loop is also common. As the triggering situation appears, perhaps our friend shows up asking to borrow some money from us, one of our previous decisions on such sets is activated (say, ‘I will always help people in need’). We immediately respond and give our friend a hand. We also receive a reward – the friend’s gratitude and our sense of satisfaction that we have helped him. Moreover, a framework belief can be activated – ‘All good or bad returns,’ so we might even get something in return from the universe.

However, the overall benefits of this behavior are short-lived, as there are no fundamental changes in either our being or the one we help.

The point is in raising awareness at those moments. We leave the habit loop when we are in the state of Presence, where there is no habit. We act from the Heart, through the pure intelligence of our True Being. In this way, through each act of genuine kindness, we partially transform our inner part that corresponds to this situation.

We leave the habit loop when we are in the state of Presence, where there is no habit.

Sooner or later, we will have to face this part of our personality completely and to reintegrate it, which will permanently resolve such conditions.

So, our approach should be twofold: first, in situations when someone seeks help, we should enter the state of Presence and respond spontaneously. Second, we must discover which part of our personality created this situation and other similar circumstances from the past and to reintegrate it.
 
Rescuer and Victim Relationship

Now, let us examine the so-called victim mentality. It’s a chronic attitude of being a victim of something in life, whether it be a person, harsh circumstances or injustice in general.

Typically, we develop it during childhood when we needed more attention or love from parents. However, it has lost its positive function now, when we are adults. Needless to say, it is a very dangerous attitude, which attracts real troubles in life.

The person who is recurrently asking for our help probably has a strong victim mentality. But that also means that somewhere deep inside us there is a victim aspect of our own being, too.
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Yet, there is even more to this story. Every victim has her own rescuer and bully. It is not surprising that the rescuer is a person or situation which often saves her from the troubles, while the bully is a person or situation that apparently puts her in the same trouble again. The victim needs both of them. It’s a vicious and unhealthy cycle that gets ever stronger over time.

As the topic here is help, we, as the helper, will often take the role of rescuer.

The person who is recurrently asking for our help probably has a strong victim mentality. ​

How to Get out of a Rescuer-Victim Relationship?

Mindfulness is always part of the answer. We should deal with this problem through Presence. But how to do that?

Mindful attitude, in general, is very important. If we are used to living consciously in the here and now, loads of suppressed emotions will be repeatedly released and subtly reintegrated into our being. We will become increasingly lighter and more tranquil in everyday life. It will be much easier to face any challenge, including the toxic rescuer-victim relationships.

As this kind of affairs is always triggered by several typical situations, we should prepare ourself for that. As the triggering condition emerges, we have to use it as a trigger for our mindfulness instead.

For example, when our relative approaches with the characteristic expression on his face, we can immediately expect that he, wrapped in an aureole of the victim, will ask for help again. If we become fully conscious at that very moment, we will not react habitually and succumb ourself to the routine role of the rescuer. We will rather respond to the situation genuinely, from Presence. We might help him or not, but it will be a genuine and best response.

If we are fully present, here and now, without any unnecessary thoughts, all our decisions and actions will be perfect. We will be acting from our Heart. Everything we do will be in a full accord with the Universe, or, if you like, with the God’s Will. So is the case with helping people, too.

If we are fully present, here and now, without any unnecessary thoughts, all our decisions and actions will be perfect. We will be acting from our Heart.

Reintegration Work

We must not neglect the reintegration work. In this case, we should reintegrate parts of our own personality that correspond to the rescuer and to the victim. The best way to do that is to reintegrate them as a pair of polarities, perhaps using a very effective RS tool called the Inner Triangle.
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Why work on the victim part at all? Because if we are dealing with a person who has the victim mentality on a regular basis, that means we also have a victim aspect of our psyche, possibly deeply suppressed and hidden from our conscious sight.

We should reintegrate parts of our own personality that correspond to the rescuer and to the victim.

The person who has a strong victim identity should also integrate the bully-rescuer polarity, which every victim has. Usually, that person pays attention to the bully, while not much noticing her rescuer. That’s quite understandable, but nevertheless, she must deal with both parts, as one of them typically cannot be fully dissolved without the other. They are two sides of the same coin.

If the person with the victim identity really wants to make a change in her life, it is recommended that she makes a list of all persons, situations, and states that represent the bully or the rescuer. It is good to define polarity pairs for each specific situation, person or state of mind. However, after a few IT processes on these pairs, she will realize that a few merged polarities were actually representing almost all of the listed pairs. Most probably, the problem will be solved permanently.
 
Two Ways of Helping

Basically, we can help someone in two ways: directly and indirectly. Helping directly simply means to help someone without working on ourself. Indirect help is the opposite: we work on the corresponding part of our own being, which indirectly influences the being we want to help.
 
Single-Sided Help

Helping people directly I would also call the ‘single-sided help.’ Why?

When we try to help others, sometimes it ends up with transferring some of their problems right into us. As previously mentioned, the reason for this goes back to the holographic universe idea, stating that the people around us are, in fact, mirroring our own internal personality aspects. Therefore, their problems are our own potential problems.

So, when we help people directly, we help only one side of our universe – the external world, somebody (seemingly) outside of us. 

People around us are, in fact, mirroring our own internal personality aspects. Therefore, their problems are our own potential problems.

​Moreover, direct help is sometimes driven by our earlier, general decisions on helping (or not helping) people and can be motivated by a selfish interest. It is no surprise that it can be very dangerous. In these cases, the inner parts that are the source of the problematic situations will not be reintegrated but strengthened instead.

If our help is not genuine, the same problem will not only return to that person one day but may be directly passed on to us as well. The reason is simple: the real source of the problem has not been revealed, neither within us nor in that being who we are helping.

These kinds of help are usually being done in a semi-conscious state, in which we are driven by our habitual ways of thinking and routine behavior, whether it be our selfish desire or a decision like ‘I will always help people who ask for help.’

If our help is not genuine, the same problem will not only return to that person one day but may be directly passed on to us as well. The reason is simple: the real source of the problem has not been revealed, neither within us nor in that being who we are helping.​

​It is impossible to generalize all poor people or life situations. Nor it is possible to generalize people who are asked to help them. Therefore, it is not advisable to say, “Don’t you ever help poor people with money” or “Yes, if they ask money from you, just give it.”

If you help people as a result of your previous decision, for example, “I’ll always give some money to poor people, whenever they ask for it” or “I’ll never give money to them, I’ll be always trying to direct or teach them how to earn some money for living,” that’s not a genuine help. That’s a mind’s decision, a generalized one, which doesn’t have the inner strength to really help people.
 
Twofold Help

When it comes to indirect help, although it might seem selfish, that’s the more effective and lasting way of supporting others. First, you recognize that deep inside you there is a hidden part of your personality that corresponds to the trouble of the person who you want to help to. Then you face that part of yourself and heal it using some of the methods at your disposal. You are not only helping yourself, you will see the miraculous change in the person you are supporting.

Then you also help directly that person. You will be ready for that, and your help will be complete. That’s the real help. Both internal and external worlds are healed. That’s why we can also call this kind of support the Twofold Help.

Even if you don’t help him directly after your inner healing process, you will notice a change soon. Either the person will be spontaneously healed, or his problem will be unexpectedly solved. He even may go away from you for some unknown reason.

On the other hand, if you already did help your friend directly, that’s great, but don’t forget to do your inner work. Find the corresponding part of your own being and reintegrate it as soon as possible. By doing this way, your help will be truly complete.
 
When Should You Help Others Directly?

Sometimes you will have a dilemma whether to help somebody or not, while there is no time to recognize and heal your own corresponding aspect first. In that case, just enter the state of Presence, the thoughtless state of being here and now. While being in that state, try to feel the person and the situation. Ask yourself: “Should I help her/him?” Stay in that Presence. Be here and now, without any thoughts. Feel yourself right from your heart, from the center of your being. Try to feel that person and all your surroundings from your heart as well. Give yourself a few moments to abide in that Presence, a divine state of Pure Consciousness.

If an answer pops up in any form, great. If not, be patient and try again. The answer will come, sooner or later. You will simply know what to do. You will feel it. Your subsequent action will be perfect, and you will know that, without any involvement of your mind. Perhaps you will give a hand to the person, or maybe you will do something else, which is otherwise unexpected, but genuine. Whatever you do, it’ll be perfectly suitable to you, to that person, to that moment and to the whole Universe. By doing that way, you will certainly help that person in the long run, in the best possible way.

However, if you do help the person from the state of Presence, the very act of helping is actually not of much importance. The divine state of Presence, which is in the background of that act, is far more important. That state will subtly ennoble your action and will delicately influence both you and the person who you support. You will help both.

If you do help the person from the state of Presence, the very act of helping is actually not of much importance. The divine state of Presence, which is in the background of that act, is far more important.

​​Lessons Learned

When we have unresolved problems buried in our subconscious, those negative entities must somehow express themselves—either through some accident, illness or via the people around us. Therefore, when our family members or friends suffer, it may be partially related to the suffering which was at some point in our own past but was suppressed and forced into the depths of our psyche.

Hence, when we give help directly to our dear ones (or anyone), we are indeed sometimes able to solve their problems. But, if they don’t learn the lessons out of their own sufferings, the deliverance will be only temporary. The same or similar problems will appear again, either to those people or to us. Why to us? Because those troubles outside may have only been projections of our internal difficulties, so if there is a chance for them to express themselves directly within our being, they’ll take it.

So, whenever you are helping others directly, don’t use any techniques. “Use” only Love and Presence, nothing else.

Whenever you are helping others directly, don’t use any techniques. “Use” only Love and Presence, nothing else.

Healing

For healing other people, you could use concrete techniques of the Reintegration System, or Reiki, or any other method, but apply it only to yourself, not to others (as the problem could swing back around to you, for the reasons described above).

Therefore, when trying to heal others, do it with the premise that the source of the problem in them is inside you. Just stay completely open and allow your subconscious mind to reveal the solution.
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If you cannot find the element of your personality that corresponds to the difficulty of the other person, don’t worry. Visualize an aspect of yourself at your will, without thinking too much about what it is, its nature or its purpose. Simply assign to that aspect the corresponding role of responsibility for the problem outside. Do the Dissolving the Temporary I Plus (DTI+) technique several times, or the Inner Triangle (IT) procedure on it. All the time feel that it is your own aspect, not the other’s.

If you cannot find the element of your personality that corresponds to the difficulty of the other person, don’t worry. Visualize an aspect of yourself at your will, without thinking too much about what it is, its nature or its purpose. Simply assign to that aspect the corresponding role of responsibility for the problem outside.

Eventually, you will be amazed how true this premise of the internal source was and may wonder how you didn’t notice it before. You will integrate the element of personality within you and the problem within the beloved person will fade out by itself, sometimes miraculously, sometimes along with the growth of consciousness of that being.

This way, you will not only be helping others, but you will be expanding and deepening your own consciousness. Eventually, you will find that you have ultimate and complete responsibility for your individual reality and that fact will not be a burden—it will actually bring you true freedom.
 
In a Nutshell

Genuine help means that you recognize and heal the part of your personality which corresponds to the trouble of the person who you want to help. Then you will be ready to give a hand directly to that person, and your help will be complete. That’s the real help. Both internal and external worlds are healed.

Even if your inner healing process isn’t followed by a concrete, direct act of helping the person, after a while, you will notice a change. Either the person will be spontaneously healed, or his problem will somehow be solved, often in an unexpected way.

On the other hand, if you already did help your friend directly, that’s great, but don’t forget to do your inner work. Find the corresponding part of your own being and reintegrate it as soon as possible.

The rescuer-victim relationship is a toxic habit and we should deal with it through Presence. We wait for the trigger of that habit. As the triggering condition emerges, we have to use it as a trigger for our mindfulness instead. Also, we should reintegrate parts of our own personality that correspond to our habitual role of rescuer and to our own hidden victim identity, by using the Inner Triangle technique.

If we are in a dilemma whether to help somebody or not, it is good to enter the state of Presence. We should ask ourself: “Should I help her/him?” We then try to feel that person and all our surroundings from our heart and wait for an answer. Eventually, we will become aware that we know what to do.

For healing other people, we can use various techniques, but only on ourself, not on others, as the problem could swing back around to us. We must find the element of our personality that corresponds to the difficulty of the other person and reintegrate it. If we cannot identify the part, we should visualize it at our will and assign a corresponding role to it. We may use the DTI+ or IT techniques for its reintegration. All the time we should feel that it is our own aspect, not the other’s.

Helping people is a noble thing. We are all sisters and brothers. Ultimately, we are all one, and whatever we do to the other being, we do to ourselves. 

However, be aware that sometimes your help can only worsen the situation in the long run. Because of that, whenever you are in a position to help, always enter the state of Presence. You will spontaneously do the best possible thing at that moment. You will probably help, feeling pure love for that being. Your love will ennoble the very act of helping and both of you will be transformed, at least slightly.

And work on yourself. You are the source of your own reality.

​Have a wonderful day! :-)