The Key to Deep Transformation of Relationships

Author

Nebo D. Lukovich
Learner, Reader, Student of Life...

​People around us are unconsciously playing specific roles in our lives. We are perceiving them as the loved ones, friends, acquaintances, opponents, foes… To each of them, we have a whole spectrum of habitual behaviors and a multitude of emotions. Nevertheless, the emotions that are usually in our focus are the negative ones. We often see mistakes and bad traits, even in our friends. Why is that so?

Because they are actually hidden in us. Those “mistakes” and traits want to re-emerge and reintegrate with the wholeness of our being.

These emotions are telling us the truth about us.

The role of accusations and guilt

If we were often accused of some misbehaving, especially during our childhood, we would surely have a lot of suppressed negative emotions, such as resentment or guilt. That inevitably leads us to many outbursts of anger, which means suffering to us as well as suffering to people around us.

Guilt is a very destructive emotion. It develops when we clearly become aware of an unfairness of deeds that we have committed to others. It may pose a great danger to our health, ruin all our relationships and undermine our endeavors. It implies to our subconscious mind that we have been misbehaving and that we deserve to be punished. It is a seriously dangerous line of thought. It relentlessly attracts the corresponding life circumstances, in which we will eventually be punished in various ways.

Resentment is a kind of inverted guilt. It is directed toward others, accusing them of doing wrong things and wanting them to be punished. It is also a perilous emotion that works in the background of our personality, for long periods, which spoils our health and our relationships with people. It can undermine our ability to achieve goals and live a successful life in general.

Through guilt and resentment, we are accusing ourselves and others of numerous misdeeds and therefore possessing corresponding bad traits.

But there is also resentment of others directed toward us. Do we have to deal with it somehow? Absolutely. That resentment shows us what is actually inside us.

We must free ourselves from these subconscious influences. Otherwise, these feelings will continually undermine our lives. We must reintegrate them back into the wholeness of our being.

Holographic Principle in use

I was writing a lot about this principle. In my opinion, it has tremendous power to transform people’s lives. Why? Because it says basically this:

1. We are part of the universal hologram.
2. Each part of a hologram contains all information on the whole system.
3. Every human being has all information about everything around, and that information is usually deeply hidden inside their being.
4. Our individual external world, including people and events, is a symbolic projection of our inner being and unconscious parts of our personality.
5. If we change our inner being, the outer reality will change accordingly.
6. Therefore, we are completely responsible for our life. We are in charge.

​This last statement is the most important one. It takes us on the extraordinary journey of inner transformation and expanding consciousness, where we must be completely honest to ourself. On that journey, everything depends on us. We are fully in charge of our life, and nobody else can be responsible for our life. That’s the road of inner power that is leading us to the final liberation, whatever that means. 

​There are always two sides of a coin

In addition to the work on the sense of guilt[1] that we perhaps already feel to some extent, a relationship transformation must encompass two seemingly opposite sides:

• traits that we see in others, which they are unconscious of, and
• our own traits that we are not aware of, but which are visible to others.

In fact, this two-directional process is a part of taking the full responsibility for our own life. We become aware of all negatively perceived elements of personality, both in another person and us, find all those elements inside us and reintegrate them back into our being. But how do we do that?
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1. Annoying traits and behaviors of another person (yes, we have those traits and behaviors, too!)

Are we right when we accuse someone of being a bad person? Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe he or she was mistaken indeed. However, that’s not important at all. The vital thing is that the same trait we see in others lies deeply hidden in us.

First, we should contemplate our life and find in ourself all the traits and behaviors that we often criticize in the person with whom we want to clean the relationship. It’s always better to find a concrete behavior in our past that is essentially the same as the behavior we have criticized so far. However, if we can’t evoke a particularly corresponding situation from the past, we can still proclaim that there is such a “part” of our being. We then assign concrete properties to it and apply the Single Chain or Double Chain technique. During the process, we will most probably see that the element of personality we seek to reintegrate really exists deeply inside our subconscious mind. It will be merged with the wholeness of our being.

2. Annoying traits and behaviors that another person sees in us (yes, he/she is right - we do have those traits and behaviors!)

Very often we are not accepting the traits we are accused of, at all. We don’t see any connection with our real behavior. Usually, we are even offended by these claims. Moreover, our logical mind cannot find any justification for such ideas. We see only injustice.

As we have learned previously, our criticizer should certainly look back and try to find the same negative trait within themselves. We are a projection of their own hidden traits. Their life is their responsibility. Period.

But… We seek for our liberation, too. Where is our responsibility?

Could it be that the other people’s negative allegations toward us are true?

In fact, yes. They are always true. How come?

If we apply the holographic principle to this question, we will inevitably conclude the following: all the behaviors and traits that others see and condemn in us, do really exist within us, deeply hidden from our consciousness. The rationale is quite simple: we are part of their individual universe, as they are part of ours.

For example, your friend sees a bad trait in you. As you symbolically represent part of her personality, she sees their own trait in you. However, as that trait definitely exists in her, the same trait must exist in you as well. It won’t be an identical trait though, as each person has different subconscious filters to perceive the reality.
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However, the “negative” trait your friend sees in you – does exist in you, deeply hidden within the layers of your unconscious being. You need to dig it out and reintegrate it back into your personality.
Therefore, every time someone accuses you of something, don’t get angry. On the contrary, you have the real reason to be happy – they are pointing at your deeply hidden trait that is ripe for reintegration.


[1] Reintegration work on guilt and resentment has been described in “Deep Personal Transformation,” which is now available for free at Amazon.com (click here) or at Draft2Digital (click here).

​How to release negative emotional ties between two people: bi-directional work

In line with above-said, if we really want to resolve a problem with another person, we should work in two directions: traits we see in them and traits they see in us.

First, make a list of the most important traits and other elements of personality that you see in your friend (or the opponent).

Then, make another list of the traits and other elements of personality that you think that your friend sees in you.

It is advisable to make pairs of opposite traits (whatever the opposite means to you) out from your lists. You may combine traits from both lists, or make pairs from the same list either. In doing this way, you can apply the Inner Triangle procedure[1] on these pairs of opposites.

You may also use the Single Chain Technique or Double Chain Technique[2] on every single element of your personality, one by one.

In this work, you must relentlessly be honest to yourself, or you will accomplish nothing. Even worse, you will be lying to yourself and ultimately fall into an even deeper mud of suffering.

Of course, you are free to use any other mind technique that you believe is efficient for you. Almost all techniques, if honestly applied, bring more or less good results.

One of my favorite approaches is forgiveness. Try to forgive both to the other person and yourself, deeply and wholeheartedly. Become aware that the person simply couldn’t behave differently, due to their inner limitations. The same stands for you. Repeat forgiveness as many times as you can, and as often as you can. It always helps and releases some negative energy. It also clears the path for love. Yes, you will be able to love everybody, even your adversaries. That’s the holy grail of every problematic relationship.

Real-life example

One of my closest friends, we’ll call him Steve, had a chronic problem in relationship with his step-father, “George.” My friend was under George’s severe influence and was very servile in relation to him. Steve’s stepfather was regularly accusing him of many things and, most importantly, was constantly despising him.

Unquestionably, Steve’s resentment was very strong. The main trait Steve saw in his step-father was the tendency to have an absolute control over him.

Steve was aware of the faultiness of the whole situation but was never able to resolve it, until he stumbled upon the Reintegration System.

He made two lists, one containing the main accusations by George, and another one, with his own accusations toward that man. He used the Single Chain technique on all the traits, one by one.

The two most important traits he worked on were the stepfather’s disdain (toward him), and also George’s tendency to control everybody (as Steve perceived it).

He meditated on his resentment toward his stepfather and recalled clearly in his mind several situations from the childhood where he was trying to impose severe control over his younger sister. He became aware that, when he grew up a little bit, he started feeling guilt over that behavior and consciously tried to suppressing his urge for control over other people. He succeeded, although only temporarily. His suppressed trait raised its head in another person outside of his own being, and it was his stepfather. That insight alone was of a tremendous importance to Steve. It was his own trait, indeed.

Steve did the Single Chain technique on his freshly revealed trait, the urge for control. During the process, Steve learned that his tendency to control everybody actually had several apparently positive goals: to secure himself; to avoid any surprises; to become strong; to get parents’ attention; to get parents’ love; to find Peace.

Then, Steve meditated on George’s accusations that he was weak and deserved no respect. After a while, he evoked a few occasions from his past when he was repeatedly showing disdain toward his younger relative, similarly to the disdain of his stepfather now. After several years, that conduct was continued in relationships with some friends from school. When Steve finally saw the ill-behaved nature of such deeds, he suppressed that conduct. Remarkably, it was again his own behavior from the past! Being long suppressed, this behavior found its way out and projected itself onto George.

Steve again used the Single Chain technique, this time on the feeling of disdain. It was a straightforward process, leading to several deep insights and ultimately to a deep deliverance. The goals of the “entity” named “disdain” were: to show to everybody that he was strong; to be better than others; to prove to his parents that he was worth their appraisals; to get parents’ love; to find the ultimate Happiness.

Since then, the relationship between Steve and George improved enormously. It was deeply transformed and now they have a very strong bond, with deep understanding and compassion. It was a clear example that for improving a relationship it’s enough to change only one person!
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These processes have definitely shown to my friend that he was in charge in his life. Always. Steve was finally convinced without any doubt, that he was the source of his whole life experience. From that moment on, he became aware that he was completely responsible in his life, and that meant inner freedom.


[1] Described in my books “Inner Freedom Techniques” and “Inner Peace, Outer Success.” If you don’t have money for buying any of these books, or cannot buy them for any other reason, don’t worry. Just ask me (using the contact form on this website) and I will send you the procedure right into your inbox. :-)

[2] Ibid.